Sunday, November 13, 2016

Adoption is Ugly



We had the rare privilege of sharing our weekend with Ty's first mama, Rebekah. Our last few visits have been in Colorado, which means this was the first time Rebekah had met all of our kids! Having her in our home at our dinner table made the world right, again. The first few hours, Ty couldn't stop talking. He wanted to share his whole world. Between writing samples and yo-yo tricks, he would ask, "What's your favorite color?" and "How long did we live together?"

My heart soared the heavens watching Ty's love explode at having both of his mamas in one place. I had to push tears to deep places as our conversations traveled varied depths. Apart from the distance, we would say our relationship is ideal. Our love is genuine, our connection runs deep.

But.

The treasure we find in each other came at such a high cost. So high, that it will never be paid in full. Listening to my friend -  my sister - share her heart and the loss that tugs at its corners was almost too much to hear, but it's critical for our relationship. I'm not about meaningless friendships. The real nuggets of gold are unearthed in hard, rocky places and we can't be afraid to visit them.

While my path to adoption was marked with loss, the pain was dulled the first time I held Tyrus in my arms and obliterated by the time I rocked Hunter. I haven't forgotten the start of our story and, easily, slip into the darkness with other friends walking it, but it's not a reality I live with every day. Eight years ago, I begged God to let me mother one...and, today, there are five little people around my table asking for breakfast - simultaneously; at high volumes. That's my reality.

Rebekah's path is different. She gave what most women couldn't and while adoption is packaged pretty and our photos look nice, the violent tearing of Rebekah's heart is kept hidden. Only those that dare to ask, hear the truth. There is not a bandage big enough to cover the hole. She watches another woman mother her son.

As the other woman, I listen to her heart and acknowledge the pain to which there is no cure. The best we can be is honest and share our son without fear, arrogance, or distrust.

As the three of us drove to the airport, Ty and Rebekah sat side-by-side, fitting a year's worth of questions in one sitting. I fought tears when I looked in the mirror and saw Ty fighting them, too. Rebekah shared a lesson with him about anchors and how powerful they are when buried in our heavenly Father. Then she gave him a little anchor keepsake to remember all that she had said. When I told him it was okay to be sad, he sobbed and Rebekah held him. I barely got through a prayer of safe travels before we got out of the car and by the time we stood together on the sidewalk we were a hot mess.

Anyone witnessing the scene would have been teary over the untamed weeping of a seven year old boy, but had they known the truth, we would have been an internet sensation for sure. This was the first goodbye that Rebekah's pain echoed through her son's. I thought he was going to be sick. I'm not sure how long we stood there or how many goodbyes were said, but Ty was in the car ready to buckle and jumped out before I could shut the door, screaming for Rebekah to come back.

We both knelt down and circled him tight. Our words and tears covering our huddle; I'm not even sure who said what, but we told him how supremely special he is. That he has two mothers whose love for him is only second to God's. Rebekah and I, hurriedly, exchanged love, both afraid to look at each other, and Ty cried most of the way home.

As soon as we walked in the house, he ran to Ben and the tears came again. We held him together and let him cry it out. We didn't bother with words.

Adoption is beautiful and redeeming and an ever-reflection of God's love for us, but not tonight. Tonight it's ugly, unfair, and unnatural.


16 comments:

  1. Beautiful and heart wrenching. Thank you for sharing your story. Prayers for Ty as he continues to process all of this. You are doing a great job Mama.

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  2. My girl is only 18 months and this isn't part of our reality yet as I hear her giggle in the living room with her Daddy. Thank you for sharing this and hopefully preparing me just a bit for what is to come. The only other thing I can say is, how lucky is that boy to know THAT much love. Hug him once for me.

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  3. I have no doubt that long term, it is good that he is able to work some of this pain out at this age.

    My heart aches.

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  4. This truly broke my heart. I'm a first mom. I can't imagine how painful it is to live so far from each other. My boys never left my county. :(

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  5. Thanks for sharing. Ripped my heart out. How I long for a similar relationship with our son's birth-mom. We're getting there...slowly...hopefully.

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  6. Loving others is hard. I think we all forget that at times (I know I do) and then we're reminded while reading a post like yours. Ty is learning that at such a young age. I cried while reading your words, mostly because of Ty's reaction to his first mom's departure. That kind of pain is because of love. I'm not sure why loving comes at such a high cost, but I guess it all goes back to God's love for us. The kind of love that caused Jesus to die for us. Describing only the joy of Rebekah's visit to your home would have been easier. Instead you gave us an honest reminder that with adoption (even those as loving and open as this one) comes great pain.

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  7. Thanks so much for sharing. I have also adopted a child and find it so hard to navigate the sadness and the happiness associated with this great gift. The Loss associated with this process is not often written about and you have done it so eloquently.

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  8. Thank you so much for your honesty. It helps to know that it isn't all rainbows for other families. I am a foster mom. I struggle. Kiddo struggles. Birth mom struggles. It is worth it but man it is tough.

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  9. No one really seems to talk about this part. Then again, many adoptions seem to be closed. One day, when he matures, he may understand what a blessing it is to not be closed off from her, unsure of who his birth mother is like so many other adopted children. I'm so sorry this was a hard goodbye. <3

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  10. I am sitting at my desk waiting for my girls choir to come storming through the door and I am sobbing. You put into words so much about adoption. Both my children are adopted and we have lost contact with my african american son's birthmom. But he has asked about her so much lately (he is almost 6). She is part of us and adoption is hard. My son loves both of us. She is a part of our family.

    Thank you for your writing and your heart.

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  11. Thank you for sharing. Our agency doesn't do open adoptions and in fact acted as if it's not possible in our country, which it actually is. So anyway, we tracked our one child's birth mom down and needless to say, she also wanted more contact. I always hate the pain she must be feeling. It's hard. It's hard. But better than it being closed.

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  12. Thank you for sharing this. Many people don't realize that adoption can become harder as a child gets older. This is a great reminder for parents to learn about the developmental stages of an adopted child. For some children, the unknown about their birth families is one of the hardest things to understand, your children are lucky that you allow them to know as much as you do about their history.

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  13. We adopted our son at 14 and it is still challenging seeing his birth family. He loves us as his family but he loves them too... he is in a difficult place... the love u give them will never be forgotten.

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  14. Heartwrenching....I guess the lesson to be learned is that if any of your children should ever face parenthood before marriage, you offer every support so that they can stay together and that neither they,nor your grandchildren have to face that kind of anguish.

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  15. This post was beautiful and truly terrifying. Being a birth mother myself I fear the day my baby boy starts understanding and feels heart break over it. Still, I am thankful for adoptive parents, such as yourself, who love unconditionally and unselfishly. I will be praying for your family!

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  16. Oh goodness, this is heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing the honest and hard.

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